......Confused and unsure is me right now!!!

A couple years ago…okay more like 3 or so yrs ago I overfilled my plate of life, a almost regular routine…4:30 am moving from my bed in the wee hours of the morning throwing my swimming suite on half asleep I adorned myself with a lifeguard uniform and wander outside to warm up my vehicle….full of yawns but knowing the long day of run here, hurry there was just beginning. At this time in my life I was just doing what I needed to so I could get on with the day….I set on the lifeguard stand, my husband would bring my sweet girl into me so he could go to work and I could get her ready for the day, she looks at her dad gives him a kiss they exchange an I love you as he looks up at me tells me he loves me…but no kiss for me, I am stuck on the stand! My 15 min is up I rush to get her ready for school brushing her hair into a perfect style as she eats her breakfast in the steamy hot atmosphere of the pool…its now 8 a.m I rush her to the car and its off to school I kiss her and tell her I love her as I send her off. Now me rushing to get back to the pool for lessons…bleh…I am now starting to not love what I once loved, teaching children to swim. around 2:30 I’m done with lessons but not with my work day, I walk into the lifeguard room…I’m spent, I have no energy and plop myself into the chair so I can catch a few z’s before 3:00 as I shut my eye’s time fly’s and now I’m in a rush to pick up my child from school and then back to the pool for Swim Team. The kids come threw the door, change and into the pool they go. I drag myself from the chair I’m tired, drained emotionally and physically “drained”….to the pool side I go, not wanting to yell, not wanting to know where so and so is and why they feel they can waist “my time” really my Family’s time…by not being here and me stewing over a punishment for there absence…my spirits most times raise as our little mascot (Shayder Gator) swims with the Swim Team kids, as I coach them and teach them…I care for them as if they are my own I really did love coaching them!!!! 5:30 rolls around and its time to change once again into the Lifeguard uniform so I will be ready to Guard again after Swim Team from 6 to 10:00 my husband walks in just in time to catch me before I go on the stand…he scoops up our child gives me my first kiss of the day and then he is on his way home……sometimes he stays for a minute, really the only time we can spent together in the day is right before it was my turn to be on the stand. Our relationship strained me still in love with him and him still in love with me, but 6 years of me being home really only Sunday was not the best for any relationship. He had told me more than once its me or the pool, I would laugh it off and go on with whatever I was doing….but I knew it was not a joke, and then the last time he said it he did so with anger in his voice and I knew it was time to hang up my swim suit and work on my family. I pulled myself from the Swimming pool a little at a time first the Swim Team then the Water Polo Team and last the pool itself….I know I let down so many people, I know I hurt so many by leaving with little explanation but at that time I felt my dirty laundry was mine and I did not want to air it out for all to see!!! I had to go; I had to fix my little family! We are better now and more in love than ever….but would I do it again? Well it’s a no for the whole…but a I don’t know and a maybe or a…. could I? for the Swim Team…and could I just say no? I don’t know…bleh Confused and unsure is me right now!!!! But what I do know I will put my family first!!!